A few years ago, while moving to a new apartment in Boston, I gathered friends together for moving day. We all made an observation that day. Perhaps it was after the tenth box marked, "Christmas," that a pattern emerged. Clearly, I loved Christmas time. We all sort of laughed about it over pizza, at the end of the day. Yet, the question lingered, and probed my heart a bit. Why was I so obsessed with "Christmas?"
Was it because I said goodbye to my earthly father at the holidays? He died of cancer in December of 2006.
Was it because of the serenity of the lights and the remembrance of the Nativity story, pointing me upwards to God, over my childhood days? Was it the renaissance of a new beginning each year, a "chance" for my family to "come together?" Was it the peace of the snowy, starry nights in the winter wonderland of New England where I grew up? The nights when I silently escaped out of the balcony of my bedroom window as a little girl? All bundled up in scarves and hat, making my way to sit by the serene Lake Winnepausaukee in NH. There I would stare up at the sky in silent prayer, to the God of my life.
Growing up, I was genuinely the diplomat and peace ambassador of my house. I had assumed the role of parent, instead of child; often orphaning myself in the midst of much chaos. The middle child of four girls, in a tumultuous, broken family. I just wanted the idyllic "home." Much later in my early twenties, the reality & the hype of 'expectation', and the brink of disappointment, did hit hard. Sometimes it takes a long time to face the pain. But pain, when faced within the arms of the Comforter's help, leaves in its wake; healing and resolute wisdom. I have experienced this and affirm the truth! The Glad Worker came and massaged my heart. "Longing" left a gift for me. In its place, pain gave birth to intimacy with a Living God.
About two years ago, I found a little stone at a gift store. It fits in the palm of your hand. Inside, was a little snowman and the words, "Love at Christmas." Somehow, I felt those three little words summed up a core value deep inside of me. I kept it. I began to use the saying as a little reminder, telling a few close friends of its significance, saying it to them as a inside joke, signing my emails instead, "Love at Christmas."
Then, over the past few years, the Christmas prophecies began. Many people, when praying for me, would say, "I see a Christmas tree picture over you. Does that mean anything to you?"
The thing is this. I am an incredibly hopeless romantic. Point blank. This epic zest for life. This epic hunger. The capacity to love. The river to give. The beauty to relinquish and express. Relationships. Nothing else really matters. Faith, hope and love; these three remain. I have loved and lost, too. I had an engagement, which I ended to a man I loved (due to the fact he decided he did not want to follow God.) This caused courage to be a necessity. For if I was to lay it all down in sacrifice, what was I sacrificing UNTO?? Where was/is this journey taking me???? Sacrifice unto something or someONE of great WORTH.
Wholehearted love to Jesus. Hard fought and hard won. He loved me first. I've been setting my face like flint, to believe upon the promises. "Blessed is she who believed, for there will be a fulfillment of that which was spoken to her." (Luke 2.) His very name is Faithful. He has never failed me once.
This Christmas seemed particularly poignant, for some reason. Something inside is SEARCHING. Amidst all of the flurry of holiday travel, business, activity and tradition, the veil was torn. I have been ushered in. The Holy Place. The ROOM WITH NO CEILING. Intimacy.
There is One who satisfies every longing deep inside. I feel His TRUTH pulling on the strings of my heart, like never before. I must know Him. I must let go and let Love IN.
A day without you is a thousand years
Dew without you is a million tears
Tell me what I’m doing wrong when I am in fear
Why do I run when you are so near
Spending my life out in the weather
Been gone so long and I need some shelter
Wherever you go
Wherever you are
I just want be there with you
I just want to be closer to you
I just want to be closer
I am yours
Ultimately I landed upon two passages of Scripture.
Hosea 2 and Micah 5.
"But as for you, Bethlehem Ephrathah... From you One will go forth for Me to be ruler in Israel. His goings forth are from long ago, from the days of eternity." Therefore He will give them up until the time when she who is in labor has borne a child, then the remainder of His brethren will return to the sons of Israel. And He will arise and Shepherd His flock in the strength of the LORD, in the majesty of the name of the LORD His God. And they will remain, because at that time He will be great to the ends of the earth. This One will be our peace... -Micah 5:1-5
"Therefore, behold, I will allure her and bring her into the wilderness, and I will speak tenderly and to her heart. There I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Achor [troubling] to be for her a door of hope and expectation. And she shall sing there and respond as in the days of her youth and as at the time when she came up out of the land of Egypt. And it shall be in that day, says the Lord, that you will call Me Ishi [my Husband], and you shall no more call Me Baali [my Master]. For I will take away the names of Baalim [the Baals] out of her mouth, and they shall no more be mentioned or seriously remembered by their name. And in that day will I make a covenant for Israel with the living creatures of the open country and with the birds of the heavens and with the creeping things of the ground. And I will break the bow and the sword and conflict out of the land and will make you lie down safely. And I will betroth you to Me forever; yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and justice, in steadfast love, and in mercy. I will even betroth you to Me in stability and in faithfulness, and you shall know the Lord. And in that day I will respond, says the Lord; I will respond to the heavens, and they shall respond to the earth, And the earth shall respond to the grain and the wine and the oil , and these shall respond to Jezreel. And I will sow her for Myself anew in the land, and I will have love, pity, and mercy for her who had not obtained love, pity, and mercy; and I will say to those who were not My people, You are My people, and they shall say, You are my God!" -Hosea 2:14-23
I feel that I am learning about being a garden enclosed. For the enjoyment of God. I am no longer my own. I feel that this Christmas was a letting go. This Christmas was definitely, "Love at Christmas." The very GLORY of God, on the inside of me.
